Pirates in my Ear Matey
So I’ve been hard of hearing all my life. People are usually shocked to find out I’m a musician and a DJ but if you stop and think about it - isn’t that really the most logical thing for me to end up doing? Where else would I get to turn up music so loud that its impossible NOT to hear it?
this baby goes to 11!
Anyways I digress. When I was a kid both my ears had equal hearing loss - about 40% loss. I had hearing aids in both earning me the not so creative nickname “Four Ears” in school. I remember sarcastically calling one of those kids “Three Arms” referring to the cast on his broken arm, winning me the sort of scorn you give kids who dropkick kittens. I guess making fun of someone who is injured isn’t acceptable. I still think its funny.
I had corrective surgery on my left ear when I was six where they went in my inner area and put a teflon prosthesis on my Stapes. My mom swears they CUT OFF MY EAR and folded it back to access my inner ear and I insist something else entirely.
I insist that my mom is completely insane.
It didn’t happen. Not only would I remember them CUTTING MY EAR OFF, there would probably be other things like…. oh scars ….or maybe memories of the doctor saying something like “now kris, you’ll want to be careful about not touching your ear too much, we had to cut it off to perform this surgery and if you touch it too much it will get infected” any six year old with a hyperactive imagination is not gonna forget that one. I think my mom got my surgery confused with Reservoir Dogs. Bad mom - lay off the Tarantino.
reservoir dog action figures?!?1
However, this first surgery was a failure, my hearing stayed the same and then slowly deteriorated to profound near-deaf levels. As a testament to the adaptability of humans I grew used to being half deaf (I missed the key and typed half-dead on accident and then wondered if that was a Freudian slip =)
I adapted quite well learning to mildly read lips, figure out what people were saying by context and preferring loud and outspoken friends. Everyone used to wonder why I hung out with so many assholes. Now you know. Assholes are usually loud. I can’t be more than passing acquaintances with mumblers. Not because it bothers me, but after asking someone to repeat themselves 4 or 5 times it starts getting really embarrassing for both parties.
Asshole illustration by Kurt Vonnegut
I have no idea what its like to hear in stereo, and there’s all sorts of cool geeky things that require stereo, binaural beats, nuerofeedback and of course surround sound which I would love to play with if i could.So I had an audiogram recently and was told my nerves in my left ear function just as well as my right, which means that I should be able to hear if my bones were to function properly.
I then went to a inner/middle ear specialist and after a cat scan he shows me this grainy picture with that implant I got as a child. This was the first time he pointed to his diagram and told me with a smile that he likes to think of the implant on the stapes bone of my middle ear as a pirate pegleg.
A pirate pegleg? So, hes gonna cut my ear open and put a pirate pegleg on my bone. Does he have any idea what phrases like that do to my imagination? My inner ear suddenly is filled with parrots and pirates hobbling around with teflon pegs saying silly things like ARRRRR Hang ‘im from the yardarm!
People are walking the planks of my bony incus - there is buried treasure in the cochlea on the frothy seas of the Medulla.
He then offers me a pamphlet for the Baha system which is another option open to me. The Baha system is a hearing aid like device which picks up sound and transduces it and vibrates a circular metal implant in your skull. Wow. PASS!! Im definitely going with the pirates. check out these photos.
So I had this surgery which is referred to as a Stapedectomy last Thursday (Sept 21st, 2007) My ear has been packed up since and I am going for my post op appointment in two more days to find out if I can hear or not. I think its going to be an all at once sort of thing. I’m putting this post on hold until I get the answer
*two days pass*
And the verdict is …
Ok I just got back from the doctors office and had the packing taken out. My hearing IS better than it was before but its not as good as my right ear. I think it needs more time to heal properly and for my brain to get used to it. My totally geeky guess is that after being inactive so long the neuron receptors might need some time to get used to stimuli again. The prognosis is good.. either way if it didn’t improve beyond this it seems that a hearing aid would compensate the difference.
All is good. Im happy just to be able to be able to distinguish sounds in songs in my left ear. I can hear individual sounds which i couldn’t do before but what’s lacking is clarity. A comparison is how a near sighted person might see.. general shapes of things but not distinct details.
*UPDATE*
Two hours after I wrote that last bit I have to say that my hearing has improved since then.. Sounds are clearer i can hear bass and its less foggy! I’m quite happy and excited!
thanks for reading and leave comments below!
<3 kris
October 25th, 2007 at 12:56 pm
i’m really happy that you’ve got some of it back. some is better than none yea? yay for science and medical progress! now aren’t you glad we’re not still in the age of putting handicapped people in cages to be taunted and jeered at due to physical differences? now in our progressive modern times we make public apologies and make inquiries after excessively beating low-income african americans caught on tape. oh for the love of progress.
October 25th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
Super awesome! Im glad to hear that there is progress. Science is good to get you the first lap, the rest is willpower and belief in my opinion. Well, if you need extra belief Im holding on to some for you my friend!
October 25th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
SWEET!
just kidding.
dude, that’s awesome! I mean, not as awesome as TITANIUM, but Teflon is pretty cool stuff!
I’ll never forget that first time we hung out by the hammocks we set up at slide ranch and we were totally connecting but it was dark and hard for you to understand my lips… indeed, I was suprised and I am very excited about the possibility of sharing conversations in the dark, with no eye-contact, whew!
October 25th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
I know someone who should be walking around on Halloween with a pirate on their shoulder.
Congrats dude!
My right ear has been somewhat janky since it spontaneously started bleeding the night after flying back from Europe with a congested nose. I feel for you.
I hope I’m not one of the loud assholes, altho I love that Kurt Vonnegut drawing.
Cheers,
Steve
October 25th, 2007 at 2:38 pm
Kristopher,
Such wonderful news, We share in your excitement, enjoy every minute of this newest expreience and play all the music you want, for as long as you want. Keep us updated on your progress.
Love,
Grandma & Grandpa Foret
P.S. I love all your work on your website.
October 25th, 2007 at 3:27 pm
Congratulations, Kris. Now you should be able to DJ really well. Ha ha ha! Just kidding, Beethoven.
Now, you should do the movie, “It’s all coming back” and see if Pete Tong will throw his name on there. You’ve given me hope, since I have been assaulting my ears on enough of a regular basis to be surfing options for operative procedures well in advance.
Cheers.
.j
October 25th, 2007 at 3:34 pm
kris - that was a pleasure to read, thank you for sharing . i am thrilled that the results were so positive! technology is indeed an incredible thing . i can only imagine how amazing you will be at what you do now that you can hear individual sounds with BOTH ears! ;P
October 25th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
Oh Yay!!!
I am so glad to know this. I have been wanting to ask you every day but didn’t want to bug you. hehe
This is very very exciting news.
October 25th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
So, your mom is right — never doubt that! The doctor TOTALLY cut through your ear and folded it back. I had the same thing done except I was much older. Let me tell you, I was a little in shock after it happened. I mean, the doctor told me I was getting cut, but I don’t remember the details of “we’re basically cutting your ear OFF and re-attaching it” being told to me before it happened. I was super bummed, and it took me a couple of weeks to recover.
Like I told you before, I had a titanium peg leg put in, but it didn’t work because my eardrum refused to heal properly. I had a hole that wouldn’t close, and eventually, the peg leg fell out.
I certainly hope and pray you have more success. Things sound good so far… Keep me posted.
October 25th, 2007 at 4:08 pm
Yay! Pirates in your inner ear! Fab! You’ll be pillaging new sounds and looting stereo vessels! How exciting. Now if only I could get a pair of those implants I could be hearing in Quad! Perhaps one more in my forehead for surround… ;-p -jake
October 25th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
i look forward to talking into your left ear someday very soon!
October 25th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
I just read your page yesterday and was in suspense at to how it worked out, so today, it was super to hear (so to speak) that there is improvement!
Best
Kyle
October 25th, 2007 at 5:07 pm
Being an asshole pays off! yay
… now I can go back to being my secret mumbling self and still be friends with you. Good to hear from you man and glad that the surgery worked out.
October 25th, 2007 at 6:23 pm
Yo…..so happy the read that….your stoked…
I hope to see you soon
October 25th, 2007 at 7:20 pm
yo dude
welcome back to the new age.. of hearing.. lol
(my attempt at being an asshole).
congrats kris! welcome to your new life!
October 25th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
wow….pirate peglegs prying open the windows of perception….this is great news! Glad to hear your hearing more.
October 25th, 2007 at 8:12 pm
Hey Man, it was a great read. I understand your stuggles. I am still 30% gone in my left ear and the Tinnitus and ringing has only gotten louder and more agressive lately. It feels like I can’t sleep anymore now that its so violent. Hopefully something can change. Surely they have better technology to fix things like this. Who knows maybe I will get one of the audio companies to re design a mechanical ear for me. =)
Richard
October 25th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
Crap!
Now you will really hear how much of a pr**k i can be…
Congrats bro - now, what can they do about my hair… oh, you said hearing, not hair…. ok… crap.
October 25th, 2007 at 10:30 pm
ARRR fer foooks sake, goood times ahead!!! full ahead! congrats, now repot in a week let us know if you can hear cat’s frackin’ on the roof three blocks up the street
October 25th, 2007 at 11:18 pm
well it’s just in time man, cause i’m not such a loud asshole anymore these days, in fact… i’m kind of a mumbler.
congrats though glad it went so well!
October 26th, 2007 at 3:05 am
And once again the villagers rejoice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I remember your first operation but can’t remember the cutting the ear off part, yet I know someone who had that done and they glued it back in place. The wonder of super glue. Still not comparable to duct tape though.
I’m so happy for you and can see why you did not opt for the Baha. I would take a pirates leg over that too!!!!!
I’m very happy for you!!
October 26th, 2007 at 10:51 am
Awesome!! I am very happy for you brother!
October 26th, 2007 at 4:15 pm
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
October 27th, 2007 at 12:56 am
kris, not only is it excellent to HEAR about the wonderful news of more bass & clarity…..your writing is fabulous! you moat definitely had me giggling!
hope to see you soon!
LIZ
October 27th, 2007 at 7:06 pm
great story! I can’t believe you made all those amazing beats with one ear before—I can’t imagine how killer it’ll sound with two ears!
Now lets decorate the implant and make it glow or something….and when you playing Seattle?
November 5th, 2007 at 6:10 am
Wow, that’s some good stuff, Kris! Many congrats!
November 7th, 2007 at 5:27 pm
dude i dont know. have you gotten a hair cut yet? Maybe i’ll believe you the less you look like bozo.
thanks for calling me an asshole YOU MOTHERFUCKING ARTIST FREAKBOY.
COULD YOU HEAR THAT?
now (if) you can hear - i wonder if you’ll quit listening to my chemical romance.
You know I am happy for ya i cant wait to mumble around you!
Admins comments: I dont even know who My Chemical Romance is. Phil here doesn’t remember the incriminating evidence I have of some unmentioned 50 ton press crushing his sons soccer ball…. “Dad is that my soccer ball being crushed in the 50 ton press?!?!”
March 24th, 2008 at 9:54 am
woah, like the horse
neigh, also like the horse
like the horse
like the horse
like the horse
.
.
.
because they are soooooo pretty