I understand that lacking an International Cat Litter Olympics makes it impossible to determine the true titleholder of ‘the worlds best’. Your brand name, “Worlds Best Cat Litter” with the Best being boasted proudly and mightily in its larger font size, could be interpreted with poetic license but I would like to make a few arguements to readers of this open letter to consider otherwise.What warrants no poetry are descriptions of the foul reek insidiously working its way into every corner of my house emanating from the catbox. I’m reading the details off the mostly full bag right now as we won’t be able to tolerate the stench long enough to see our way through this losing investment into this endless bag of failure pellets.

I see you are based in Iowa which, having been to a number of times, I understand is known for not only its corn and its corn, but also it’s corn. Wait…. Are you sure you aren’t a bunch of farmers with a bunch of corn by-product not fit for pig feed on your hands who then thought

“HEY! We could mash this up into pellets and sell it at marked up prices to those dumb treehuggers out west as cat litter because IT’S ORGANIC!”

That’s what it seems like to me. It seems like total shitkicker humor to add the WORLDS BEST CAT LITTER tag as the cherry on top of that kneeslapper as its told to drinking buddies around the local bar

“And the funniest part is …HAHAHA……you’re not gonna believe this one….we package that bullshit with the label WORLDS BEST CATLITTER….Those hippies will buy anything!” and hilarity ensues.

I realize part of the blame falls on us for buying ANYTHING that has ‘worlds best’ written on it. I’ve had the Worlds Best Coffee which was glorified scalded mud. I’ve had the Worlds Best Pizza mmmm open up for some of that cold grease slathered cardboard as well as the worlds best donuts or as I fondly remember them - grease soaked sponges with curdled sugar lumps on top. Of course anyone knows ‘worlds best anything’ is going to suck but the mystery lies in just how much suck you just purchased (the suck to buck ratio). You want to see what sort of blowhard brags up his substandard product puffing himself up like a bullfrog and if they really believe all the tripe they are throwing out there.

So in doing a little homework I see your parent company got fined a little for some air pollution? Funny, because I would fine you for THE SAME THING. I think everyone in my house would be up for a little class action. Judge Judy would whomp your ass!

Now, I know cat urine is mostly ammonia and yes it stinks! I know how bad it smells if they pee on your things and I know what a normal litterbox smells like in all stages… from the “I have one cat and i scoop it daily” stage to the Im an assistant cat-lady to the “Im a completely insane cat lady and don’t even Own a little box” phase; (see below)

 

ok maybe not as bad as that video but whatever. I am not sure how, maybe its the scientific research you guys did but somehow your litter amplifies the smell of the urine and infuses it with this ‘aroma de barnyard drenched in zee piss of 100 cats’ The smell is so thick that as I leave the house I pull out a knife and try to cut off some of the noxious miasma trailing behind me in vain hopes of sparing others the foul reek of your patented but ultimately failed creation - Mini Barn Scented Urine Bisquits.

In all the ‘careful scientific studies’ you guys ran did you end up trying this equation?

(Wet Corn Matter + Cat Urine = DO NOT WANT)

You state on the side panel Finally we put it to the toughest test of all, In REAL litterboxes with REAL cats. Did you think of getting some REAL people with REAL noses to stick around and smell the REAL concoction you had unleashed? That would have been the true toughest test. Maybe not as tough as getting someone to buy a bag a second time.

Another unsatisfied customer

A six piece no-man band playing Gnarls Barkley - Crazy. The robotic theremin is the sanest piece of gear in the ensemble, on the other end of the spectrum is a uhhhh a robotic box of stoned wheat thins?!?

Commence maniacal mad scientist laughter.
Bwuahahahahahaha!

An online version of the astral chakra matrix as first seen in the Jaded Review.Now you can now magically manifest your prayerformance troupe name, playa-name or next cd name with ease. Simply refresh the page to ‘imagineer it”

there are also the PDF files if you want to print your own and spread the love

Front Inside Comic

Some friends of mine and I wrote this earlier this summer to pass out at festivals. Our dedication, abundance of time, and financial support allowed us to put out a first and final print run of a staggering 19 copies, yet despite the minimal print run hundreds of my friends seemed to have read it. So I’ve decided to offer it to the internet for the rest of you.

The zine wasn’t really finished as I wanted to have at least 8 pages, but I was busy with work and after awhile it didn’t really seem worth the effort… err i mean I offended myself so deeply while writing it that I had to stop. The original idea was a travel guide for newbies entering the festival circuit (doesnt matter if its the burningman-neo-pagan or the hippie jam band circuit theres a little something for everyone)

We started with the Guide to Euphamistic starchild terminology, explaining what these terms really mean. Theres a Astral Chakra Matrix (check out the online version) to help you create your own playa-name, tribe.net name, or the name of your fire-spinning troupe … whatever really. And lastly theres a comic which you can fill in with your own adventures.
If you take offense to this be sure to write some angry letters!

An ironic masterpiece =)
How well would you do? I know I would ace the event where you weed our your music collection of bands that were cool when you discovered them and have since “sold out ie; become popular”

I’ve decided to do a post of the top ten most infectious videos Ive seen on the internet which for weeks after my friends and I would quote to one another like monkeys. Certain ones are totally out of style now like the budwesier wassaaaap commercial but have to be included for how infectious they were. I even included what I consider to be the first major wide spread internet video meme (which was sent via flash because broadband wasnt prevelant at the time) All your base.

1) SNL Lazy Sunday - the chronic-whatcles of narnia

2) read a book

3) Budwesier Wassap

4) Justin Timberlake - Dick In a Box

5) Juggernaut Bitch

6) Star wars kid remix

7) All your base are belong to us

lets get some shoes

9) Learn English

10) terry tate

These three clips of comedian/slam poet Taylor Mali are among the best I’ve seen on the net.

The impotence of proofreading

Like… you know

What Teachers make